“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
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Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people