[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
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Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints