Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
The symmetry is uncanny.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.