One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight