me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
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You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)