How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]