Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
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Which wines pair best with gloating?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
How to draw a duck
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.