I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
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All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed