u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Canada has crack?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Battery falling down a hole
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off