Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
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If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Oh hi lol
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror