ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
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I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”