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cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.