i hate you platonically
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Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I need a headline like this
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen