“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
put ‘er there pardner!
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.