[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Lmao 🤣
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
The 6 types of sex
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me