ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
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“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it