Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
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That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.