Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“Wait, let me explain..”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.