If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.