This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
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[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single