It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups