Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Best mom ever 😂
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.