“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
You Might Also Like
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.