I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
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Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
wait.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting