If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
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“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.