You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
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*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
won’t smith
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??