My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.