DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation