My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
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The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
only 11 steps left
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.