My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁