Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
You Might Also Like
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.