Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
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If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.