me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
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Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run