“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
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Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.