Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
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Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Genius idea!!
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
They got a point!
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520