“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
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He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
ibopfufen
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.