I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
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Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Chicago sounds lovely.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.