Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
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you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.