To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.