Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
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ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.