when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
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If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
felt that
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.