High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
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Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.