You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!