Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
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[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Practicing safe sax
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.