Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Overindulged this afternoon.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.