Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?