Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
You Might Also Like
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*