A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
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Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.