Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
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Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
new career option?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!