Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
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The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?